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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23270242">what can i do? (i'm already into you)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/softchaeng/pseuds/softchaeng'>softchaeng</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Day6 (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Canon Universe, DoPil, Hanahaki Disease, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Lots of Crying, M/M, Not Beta Read, Out of Character, Unrequited Love, and i wrote it in two sittings unedited so its not amazing, because i definitely dont know enough about day6 to be writing ff about them, but like really minor, i think younghyun literally cried once i dont remember, jae is too pure for this world, youd think hed be more upset lol</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 07:53:55</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>11,414</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23270242</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/softchaeng/pseuds/softchaeng</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>where younghyun is in love with jaehyung but jaehyung isn't in love with younghyun.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kang Younghyun | Young K/Park Jaehyung | Jae</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>71</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>what can i do? (i'm already into you)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>after writing this im questioning why all the scenes happened so late and why they were always eating at like 2am. maybe this is a reflection of my poor eating habits. oh well, enjoy this unedited mess of a ff written by someone who knows nothing about hanahaki disease and is super behind in keeping up with kpop and shit. </p><p>i only wrote this because the hanahaki tag for these two was lacking and i wanna read hanahaki for these two. this was really just for myself lmao. and the formatting is weird. blame me only being able to write in google docs.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>    His throat was burning, filling up with something, he didn't know what. Well, he did know, but he didn't want to admit it. He didn't even want to think about it. If he didn't think about it, he wouldn't have to accept it. He would never have to accept it. It wouldn't be true if he just ignored it for as long as he could.</p><p>    Younghyun excused himself to the bathroom as his bandmates drank in success for their new comeback. No one questioned it. He had a lot to drink anyway. His eyes lingered for too long and the burning sensation came back even stronger, reminding him that he had to escape.</p><p>    It didn't wait any longer to come out. The feelings that had been blooming within came tumbling out, even with all his efforts to hide it deep inside him. It all came out so easily, falling into the toilet, putting all of his emotions on display. The floral smell burned his nose even more than they had his throat. It just continued to remind him of the stupid, useless feelings he held.</p><p>    Younghyun stared at the purple petals as they fell from his lips. They were too pretty, too pretty to be so painful. It hurt, but for some reason, it was satisfying. It reminded him how useless it was to feel this way about someone so unattainable. He pitied himself. He truly did. </p><p>    Why did he find pleasure in this? Knowing that the cause of his death would be an unrequited love that he tried so hard to stop? There was nothing satisfying about that. Maybe it was knowing how strong his feelings actually were. So strong he was willing to die for them. No way he was getting surgery for this. The suffering was worth it if he could see his bright eyes and smiles everyday and get that stupid fluttery feeling in his stomach. But now, he knew the fluttery feeling would be replaced with the burning sensation in his throat that threatened to spill his feelings everywhere in the form of these purple demons that were called flowers. </p><p>    His mouth tasted flowery. It made Younghyun want to gag. He knew more flowers would just end up coming out, leaving even more of a mess for him to clean up before he had to go back out there and pretend like nothing had ever happened. He had to go back out there and smile with his bandmates after puking up flowers everywhere. </p><p>    Younghyun sighed, the burning sensation finally dying down. He flushed the toilet, once, then twice, and then wiped up the bathroom, leaving it even more pristine than before. He sprayed some of the cologne one of the others left out to get rid of that horrid, floral smell that was burning his nostrils. He didn't want to smell flowers for a while. </p><p>    “You were in there for a while, Younghyun hyung. Are you okay?” Dowoon, the ever concerned and caring maknae asked. Bless Dowoon. This world didn't deserve someone as pure as him.</p><p>    “Yeah, just too much to drink,” Younghyun said, throwing on a small smile at the end to make it a little bit believable. Younghyun could handle his alcohol fine. Dowoon knew that. He knew he wouldn't believe him, but he could avoid questioning this way.</p><p>    “Okay, hyung,” he said, smiling back, and then rejoining the conversation he was having with Wonpil. </p><p>    Younghyun turned his attention to Sungjin, sensing his discomfort from the opposite end of the couch. Jaehyung had fallen asleep on his lap, hand latched onto Sungjin’s. Younghyung stopped himself from laughing when he saw the way Sungjin was trying to figure out what to do with his hands. </p><p>    “Younghyun, can you take Jae to his room for me? You should call it a night anyways,” Sungjin said, his calm, leaderly voice coming out. For some reason, Younghyun felt like Sungjin just knew. He just knew that Younghyun been puking out flowers all over their bathroom, the flowers that symbolized his useless, and utterly stupid, love. </p><p>    “Yeah, sure,” Younghyun said. He stared at Jae for one second, and then another, before actually making a move to stand up. Younghyun had picked Jae up before. It wasn't that hard, but it still took a lot of effort to get him off of Sungjin and then down the hall. He could practically feel Sungjin’s relief once he was free. Now, though, Younghyun was nothing but tense. The burning in his throat was coming back.</p><p>    He kept his face straight and his eyes locked on his destination, anything to keep his mind off of the sensations tickling his throat. How was he only halfway down the hallway? Hadn't he been walking long enough now? Was God trying to torture him? Punish him for being so stupid? </p><p>    A petal slipped from his lips, landing onto Jae’s face. Younghyun set him down on the bed with haste and grabbed the petal, clutching it in his palm. Jae stirred, but didn't wake, thankfully. Younghyun was gasping for air. It was going to be easy. He wasn't sure he would be able to keep this inside for very long. Didn't mean he wasn't going to try, but when the flowers were threatening to spill out every moment he was around him, it was going to take a lot more effort than what he was putting in.</p><p>    Younghyun vowed to himself and only himself that Jaehyung couldn't know. He didn't care if the rest of the world knew. He didn't mind if the rest of the world knew how pathetic he was because he refused to get a stupid surgery to save his life just so he could have a couple more months with that dumb fluttery feeling in his stomach. The burn just reminded him more of his feelings. </p><p>    Maybe Younghyun was just a masochist. </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p>
  
</p><p>    The flower puking was pretty sporadic. For a couple days, Younghyun was fine. He was able to live somewhat normally, only feeling the butterflies tingling in his stomach rather than the burning, acidic almost, feeling. He could look at Jae without needing to barf his feelings all over the floor in shame. Things would be okay.</p><p>    Then, Hell would come, and Younghyun would find himself locked in the bathroom for what felt like years. He excused himself so often for so long, only to have to go back in another twenty minutes to puke up some more purple demons. It was days like those that he wished death would come sooner. Times when he wished that Jaehyung would return his feelings so the flowers would die out and his life would return to what it was again. </p><p>    Younghyun had almost forgotten about his disease with all the promotions for their new comeback. They were on some show and Younghyun didn't have the strength to remember the name anymore. Sitting next to Jaehyung and having to act like he was okay was a challenge. He had to act like he wasn't about to puke out those stupid little purple demons again. </p><p>    “Now, we have a question from MyDays for Young K! Which member would you date if they were a girl? Seems like a lot of the fans are interested in this one!” the host shouted, and Younghyun could barely process that the question was for him. He hoped he wouldn't vomit flowers on Sungjin in front of him if he spoke.</p><p>    “Dowoon, obviously. My little maknae would be the perfect wife!” Younghyun exclaimed, reaching down to hold onto Dowoon, hearing the maknae laugh in that really deep voice of his. He heard some other laughter from his bandmates maybe, or the host, maybe some of the crew, he wasn't sure. He couldn't focus when Jae’s heavenly laughter rang out beside him. God, he could listen to it all day long and would never get bored of it.</p><p>    The host made a joke about Younghyun’s answer and moved on. Younghyun found himself zoning out, laughing when necessary and adding a little input whenever he needed to. He couldn't focus when all his senses were taken over by that fluttery feeling all throughout his body and the returned burning sensation. He felt a headache taking over, something new, and he assumed it wasn't related to this stupid disease, but it definitely added to his suffering. </p><p>    Jae thought he was helping by rubbing his hand on his back, being able to sense his discomfort here. And, normally, Younghyun loved it. He felt comfort and security under Jae’s touch, or even just in his presence, but not now. Not when he was moments away from throwing up a shit ton of flowers over his bandmates on live television. </p><p>    “Are you okay, Brian?” Jaehyung asked him, using that stupid name that Brian really hated and only let Jae call him by. His voice should be soothing and it usually is, but it just made him want to throw up even more. Jae’s question was too quiet to be caught by the broadcast, especially hidden under Wonpil’s loud and wild antics with Sungjin. He was thankful for his bandmates for carrying them through this.</p><p>    “Yeah, just a bit nauseous. I'll be fine,” Younghyun said, gritting his teeth because talking to Jae and hearing his really calm voice was fucking with him. Younghyun pictured himself puking his guts out in the dressing room bathroom right after this. It was inevitable at this point. He wished this disease would attack him at literally any other time of the day. Not while they were promoting.</p><p>    Younghyun sucked it up and put on a cheery front for the sake of MyDays.</p><p> </p><p>_</p><p> </p><p>    The first time someone came close to discovering his disease was three weeks after the first time he puked out those purple demons. Younghyun had thought he had been discrete whenever he would disappear, always having a perfect excuse. He spent a lot of time on his own these days anyway, locked away in his room so the others wouldn't have to see him suffer like this. He stashed water and snacks in his room and used his own personal bathroom. He would lock himself up and write new songs for them to distract from the hurt. </p><p>    He wasn't bothered often, maybe Wonpil would come in and cling to him for a while and Dowoon would lay on his bed playing games for a while, but for the most part, he was alone. He was locked away with nothing but his lyrics and his disease to keep him company.</p><p>    Younghyun found himself typing away at his keyboard out of his control. He didn't know when his fingers had typed “hanahaki disease” into the search bar. He didn't want to type that in. Why was he doing that? </p><p>    He found himself staring away at the pages upon pages of articles and stories. Articles on the disease and half assed descriptions of how the victims felt. Younghyun could do a better job explaining than any of these ‘scholarly’ articles. </p><p>    Most articles were there trying to persuade him to get surgery, guaranteeing success and a happy life afterwards, no longer pining after the unattainable. Right now, though, that didn't seem all that amazing. He couldn't imagine a life without loving Jae. He was his reason to smile, but then again, he was the reason for his pain. Well, it wasn't his fault, it was Younghyun’s. Younghyun was just stupid enough to fall in love with someone he couldn't ever have. Someone that would never love him back.</p><p>    Younghyun found an article that he liked. The things he was feeling were described perfectly, like they had come right out of Younghyun’s mouth. He smiled at it, scrolling down until he found the comments to see what other people thought. There had to have been more people feeling how he did now.</p><p>    It only hit Younghyun now that the writer of this article was <em> dead </em>. He had fallen victim to this disease too many years ago, only leaving this article behind. His heart ached, but Younghyun reminded himself that he was one of many. God, his throat was starting to itch.</p><p>    He scrolled and scrolled until his fingers began to feel hurt. He saved the articles that he felt and ignored all the ones convincing him to get surgery. He wouldn't let anyone take his feelings away.</p><p>    “Br-Brian? Why are you reading about… Hanahaki?” Jae asked. Only Jae would come in without knocking. Only Jae would interrupt him now. It couldn't have been anyone else. Then again, only Younghyun would forget to lock the door.</p><p>    He felt frozen in his seat, refusing to turn around and face him. It would be like admitting defeat to this disease that had already taken over his life. Just because he was researching it, didn't mean he had it. But, he was in a pretty compromising position. It would have been easier with literally <em> anyone </em>else. </p><p>    “Um, I-”</p><p>    “Oh my God, you don't have it do you?” Jae’s face paled and his eyes went wide. Even behind his way too big golden rimmed glasses Younghyun could see the fear in his eyes. Younghyun wanted to tell him not to worry about him and that he was fine. He wanted to reassure him that everything would turn out fine even when he knew it wouldn’t.</p><p>    “No! No, I don't. I was just, uh, reading about it. Thought I could write a song based on it or something,” Younghyun said in the least convincing voice he could muster. Jae visibly relaxed and Younghyun couldn't believe that he actually bought that. Younghyun smiled and didn't show his surprise.</p><p>    “Thank God! I thought I was gonna have to force you to get surgery! No girl should ever be worth your life,” Jae said like it was common sense. Younghyun couldn't get mad. He couldn't get mad about Jae assuming he liked girls and he couldn't get mad that he assumed that Younghyun should have some common sense. He was the same way before these stupid flowers bloomed inside of him. He never understood why people lived with this until the day they died from it. Any normal person would just get surgery. It was life or death.</p><p>    Now, Younghyun knew. He knew he didn't want his feelings gone.</p><p>    “Yeah, don't worry. I'd tell you if anything was wrong.” A complete lie on his part, but he had to play into his role as best as he could so Jae wouldn't see that the flowers were itching to spill out for him.</p><p>    “I just came to see if you wanted to get ice cream with me. You haven't left your room since yesterday,” Jae said, shrugging as he glanced around to avoid eye contact. </p><p>    Younghyun’s dumb heart wanted to trick him into thinking that Jae was asking him on a date when he knew he was just being a good bandmate. A good friend, because that's what he was. He was one of Younghyun’s friends. Yes, right.</p><p>    “Of course, yeah. Let’s go,” Younghyun replied, hating how eager he sounded. He hoped Jae didn't notice. If he did, he didn't show it and squealed in excitement instead.</p><p>    “Perfect! It’s late so I don't think we have to worry about fans or anything,” Jae mumbled, mostly to himself, but Younghyun nodded anyway. He grabbed his jacket that he had tossed on his untouched bed last night. “Can I borrow one of your sweatshirts? Mine are all in the wash.”</p><p>    Younghyun took a deep breath and nodded, letting Jae help himself to whichever sweatshirt his heart desired. He wasn't sure he would be able to look at him with feeling the need to spit out flower petals. Well, he was already spitting petals in his hand while Jae had his back to him. He shoved the petals in his pocket.</p><p>    He let Jae lead the way to the door, making sure to let the others know where they were headed to before they left. Wonpil complained about not being invited, but Jae laughed and offered to bring them all back something. He gave some lame excuse about not wanting to attract attention with so many of them, which was bullshit because Jae had just said something about it being late and there weren't many people out. Younghyun interpreted it as him being nice and trying to give Younghyun space to breath or something, since he did lock himself up for a while.</p><p>    The walk there was mostly quiet, full of Jae trying to make small talk and Younghyun only being able to hum so he didn't ruin everything he’d been trying so hard to hide.</p><p>    The ice cream shop was empty, minus a teenage couple in the front of the shop, chatting quietly, and the male worker leaning on the counter in boredom. </p><p>    “Go pick a table and I'll buy. We can get everyone their ice creams before we leave,” Jae said, motioning his finger towards the back of the ice cream shop. Younghyun liked how hidden the back was from the front. A half wall of sorts poked out to create a barrier from the wide windows of the shop. It gave it the little privacy that they needed.</p><p>    Younghyun took the booth right up against the wall to get the utmost privacy they needed to talk in peace. He knew he was about to get questioned about his behavior these past couple weeks. Jae wouldn't ask him out like this for another reason, would he? Younghyun coughed up some more petals in his hands, stuffing them into his other pocket.</p><p>    Jae came back only a second later and Younghyun was more than thankful for that, not knowing how he could've explained the flower petals he was stuffing into his jacket pockets. He was already on thin ice for the research on Hanahaki disease he was doing earlier.</p><p>    “How have you been lately? I feel like we haven't had a lot of time to talk these days. We’ve been doing a lot of promotions for our comeback. Can you believe we have a performance in only two weeks?” Jae ranted. The performance had almost slipped his mind. He wondered if he was going to be able to perform without puking up flowers all over the audience. </p><p>    “Sorry, I've been working on my music. Had a lot of inspiration lately,” Younghyun said, trailing off as he licked his ice cream. Jae nodded.</p><p>    “I noticed. Those lyrics seemed pretty sad. Has something got you down?” Jae said, switching the language over to English. The switch was so natural between them. Everything just felt so natural between them. Younghyun hated it right now. He coughed in his arm, trying so hard not to let Jae see the flowers stuck to his coat. He brushed them to ground under the table. </p><p>    “I'm fine. The lyrics just keep coming to me. I didn't even realize they sounded that sad,” Younghyun said. Of course they were sad. He was dying and pining over someone he couldn't have. It was hard to stay positive and write a happy, upbeat song when all he felt was pain and pity. </p><p>    “Just making sure. Anyway, did you hear about…” And Jae went off into one of his rants about something Younghyun was partially interested in and something he wasn't interested in at all but simply listened just to hear the sound of his voice. Heavenly, as always. He was torturing himself like this. He really shouldn't be doing this to himself but, God, he really would give up anything just to hear Jae talk about nothing in particular.</p><p>    The walk back was filled with Jae’s laughter from his own jokes and them doing their best not to drop their bandmates ice creams on the pavement. Younghyun finally felt himself laughing wholeheartedly at one of Jae’s stupid puns and it felt like the first time in forever that he was actually enjoying himself. </p><p>    Younghyun was still laughing when they set the ice creams on the counters and even when Wonpil came running out of his room, crashing into him with full force. He would have fallen over if it was for the wall behind him.</p><p>    “Thank you, hyungs!” Wonpil shouted, already beginning to devour his dessert with Dowoon right with him. Jae laughed when they both complained about a brain freeze seconds later.</p><p>    “You two were gone for a while,” Sungjin pointed out, hand motioned for the clock on the wall. Younghyun had lost track of time and neglected checking it before they left. The clock read ‘01:14” and Younghyun didn't feel too fazed by it. They really couldn't have been gone for that long. The streets were dead when they left, so maybe half past midnight or something.</p><p>    “Damn, it didn't feel like two hours, did it?” Jae said, laughing as he offered to hang up Younghyun’s jacket. He shrugged it off, but the look of shock on his face remained.</p><p>    “No way that was two hours. Maybe like, thirty minutes at the most.” Wonpil whined but he didn't protest and instead went back to devouring his ice cream. Sungjin laughed at them, savoring his own dessert.</p><p>    “I'm glad you had fun,” Sungjin said. And Younghyun did have fun. It was a type of light heartedness that he hadn't felt in weeks and he enjoyed it to the fullest.</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <strong>-</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>    A week later, Younghyun found himself stationed over the toilet for at least twenty minutes. The problem was, they weren't at the dorms and there were other people fucking waiting to get it. Other people being Dowoon, who was whining on the other side of the door. Dowoon, who waited patiently for ten minutes before starting to complain that Younghyun was being slow and inconsiderate of others.</p><p>    “Hyung, everyone already left. We have to go soon. Hurry up!” Dowoon complained. Younghyun sighed, deciding it would just be easier to deal with the burning in his stomach than to have the rest of his bandmates come back inside to inspect the reason for them being slow. </p><p>    Younghyun took a paper towel and wiped down the seat, flushing twice, and leaving without a second thought. Dowoon rushed past him once he opened the door, shutting it behind him instantly. Younghyun thought it would only be considerate to wait for him so they could walk back together. </p><p>    Dowoon was complaining about him being slow but he was pretty sure Dowoon was in there for an extended amount of time too. For some reason, it felt too quiet. He hadn't heard a flush or even a sink being turned on. He knocked once, twice, and then a third time, but nothing. </p><p>    It took at least     another minute before Dowoon opened the door again, his face white as a sheet and his eyes red. Younghyun blinked. “Were you crying in there, Dowoonie? Are you okay? Are you hurt?”<br/>    Dowoon took a deep breath, bringing his closed fist up, letting it open so slowly that it hurt. “Why… why didn't you tell me?”<br/>    In his hand, was a stupid purple flower, fully intact and there to give away all the secrets he had been trying to keep down inside. Younghyun knew he couldn't try to bullshit his way out of this one. There was no way out of this. He didn't have a clever excuse that would keep Dowoon off his tracks for a little while.</p><p>    “I, uh… I'm sorry,” was all Younghyun could manage to say.</p><p>    “We can help you, hyung. You know there's surgeries for this-”</p><p>    “ <em> No </em> ,” Younghyun said, faster than his brain could process it. Dowoon looked up, closing the flower back into his fist. “I'm not doing the surgery.”</p><p>    “Hyung, she can't be that important. This is your life we’re talking about-”</p><p>    “ <em> No </em> ,” Younghyun said again. “That's my final answer.”</p><p>    Dowoon nodded. He couldn't fight it.</p><p>    “Can I at least know who it is? Do I know her? I won’t tell.” He stopped. “The others don't know about this, do they?”</p><p>    “Of course they don't know. They’re just gonna force me to get the surgery and I <em> can't </em> , Dowoonie. He’s too important to me-”</p><p>    “He…?” Dowoon asked, like his brain was processing this new information and trying to figure out who this ‘he’ was. It’s like everything froze. Like everything fell into place in Dowoon’s head. Younghyun didn't need to say it outloud.</p><p>
  <em> “It’s Jae hyung, isn't it?”  </em>
</p><p>Younghyun didn't need to say anything. His silence was answer enough. Dowoon just sobbed in his shoulder. No one else should be crying for him. This was his own fault.</p><p>“Let’s just go, okay? Come on, Dowoonie,” Younghyun said, coughing up a couple petals. It just made Dowoon cry even harder. “It’s gonna be alright.”</p><p>“<em> No </em>, it’s not gonna be alright, hyung. You’re dying!” Dowoon choked out between his sobs. Younghyun hated that Dowoon was crying for him. Even Younghyun wouldn't cry for himself being this stupid. At least he got to enjoy being stupidly in love while it lasted.</p><p>“I know, it’s alright,” Younghyun repeated, rubbing his hand in circles on Dowoon’s back. “We have to go though, so wipe your tears, Dowoonie.”</p><p>    He nodded, standing up straight. He walked back into the bathroom to splash some water on his face before they headed outside to meet up with the others.</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <strong>-</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Younghyun found himself alone in his room again. The others were out somewhere, Younghyun didn't really care where. He needed a break from everything going on right now. The pains were getting worse and it was like he had a never ending headache. He was most likely getting sick, a cold maybe. </p><p>A flower fell from his mouth as he coughed. It landed into his palms, mocking him as he stared down at it. Younghyun knew that, usually, the flower never actually meant anything. He assumed it was just random, or, at least, there was no evidence that it meant anything. For some reason though, Younghyun still found himself typing away into his search bar.</p><p>At first, he just looked at pictures of purple flowers. It wasn't helping him at all, so then he searched ‘common flowers Hanahaki disease.’ He wasn't even sure if there was such a thing as common flowers that others had, but was worth a shot. He came up with nothing but cherry blossoms, just stuck staring at the purple demon in his hands. </p><p>He decided to find a list of flowers and their meanings, just scrolling until one of the pictures looked similar enough to what was growing inside of him.</p><p>Heliotropes. He looked between the picture and the flower resting in his hands. A perfect match. </p><p>At first, all he found about the flower was where its name came from and how it was a symbol of the sun. Younghyun thought it was cute, but he couldn't see how that really related to anything. He sighed, throwing the flower in the trash beside his desk. He let his head fall onto the desk, a groan leaving his lips when his head made contact with the hard surface.</p><p>Younghyun lifted his head up, and moved onto a Wikipedia article, obviously the most reliable source. There wasn't much, which made him frown, but then his eyes caught sight of the myth listed. He sighed, sad he got his hopes up, thinking that maybe his love for Jae would be portrayed by a stupid flower. He knew it didn't mean anything, but he just wanted a reason. </p><p>He read up about the myth, but he didn't find any importance in it that related to him.</p><p>Younghyun then made his way onto a site with flowers and their symbolism and meaning. God, he felt like such a nerd for this. He hoped no one would come back and see him looking this up. Especially Dowoon. He couldn't stand seeing him cry, or how his eyes would get all teary whenever he looked at him. He cursed himself for being so careless. Dowoon wouldn't be suffering for him if he had just been careful.</p><p>He was beginning to get bored of searching, about to change back over to his lyrics and write more sad music about how in love with Jae he was, when he found Heliotropes on the list. He expected something about the sun again, which would have been lame, but he would have preferred it over this.</p><p>
  <em> Heliotrope: eternal love, devotion. </em>
</p><p>It was so stupid. The type of flower growing inside of him meant <em> nothing </em>. (The flower meant a lot to him, honestly. It represented his stupid love for Jae in ways Younghyun couldn't even imagine). Still, it made him feel like shit. </p><p>His stupid eternal love for his bandmate. His devotion to Jae. God, maybe he shouldn't have researched it. Even if it doesn't mean anything, Younghyun had already seen it, already convinced himself of it.</p><p>He closed the tabs and went back to writing in peace until Sungjin came in to drop off some dinner for him.</p><p>
  
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</p><p> </p><p>Younghyun stared at Sungjin. He was just standing in the middle of his room, glaring down at him. Younghyun shrank in his seat. What had he done? Had he missed a deadline? Forgotten an occasion? Maybe it was due to the fact that he was slacking when they had a performance tomorrow night. Yes, he was thrilled, but he was more scared than anything. He didn't want to fucking vomit flowers on their fans. </p><p>Younghyun’s eyes fell on the jacket in Sungjin’s hands. That reminded him. Jae never gave him back his sweatshirt. Actually, Jae kept wearing it around the house, pulling it up to cover his face, pulling the sleeves down to cover his hands. He was so, so happy that he had bought that sweatshirt too many sizes up or else he wouldn't get to witness such an adorable sight. He had almost forgotten Sungjin was in the room, too caught up in his daydream.</p><p>“Why do you have my jacket?” he finally asked, breaking the deafening silence between them. Sungjin just reached into one of the pockets and then pulled his hand right back out, dragging the contents along with him. Purple petals flew through the air, and Younghyun was sure his face went pale. Why had he forgotten to throw them out?</p><p>“Explain. And I swear to God, Kang Younghyun, if you lie to me-”</p><p>    “I'm in love with Jae.” Sungjin stopped talking instantly, dropping the jacket onto the floor, the petals in the other pocket slipping out. Sungjin’s eyes were wide, almost in a comedic way that made Younghyun want to laugh, but he wasn't sure he could laugh right now. He was pretty sure this was the first time he had said it out loud. It all felt like too much right now. He wanted to go curl up in a ball and sleep, but he couldn’t.</p><p>“Jaehyung? Oh.” Sungjin didn't say anything else for a while. Younghyun wasn't sure what else he could do. He was expecting a sob fest like what had happened with Dowoon, or maybe he would get scolded for not saying something sooner and be forced into surgery. He knew that if Sungjin told on him, he would be forced to get surgery and Younghyun couldn't do it. Losing his feelings for Jae would be worse than death.</p><p>Younghyun took a deep breath.</p><p>“Yes, I'm in love with Jae. And I’m not getting the surgery.” Sungjin looked like he wanted to protest, but he stayed silent. Instead, he picked up the discarded jacket and rested it on the bed for now. He walked up to Younghyun and put a hand on his shoulder. His eyes showed hesitance, but he spoke anyway.</p><p>“I'm not going to force you to do anything you don't want to. I just want you to know that I'm here for you if you need me,” Sungjin started. He paused for a moment and continued. “Does anyone else know?”</p><p>    “Uh, Dowoon does, but I didn't tell him on purpose or anything. He just kind of, like, caught me, I guess,” Younghyun said. It felt so weird talking about this with someone. It felt like it was all coming out at once and he needed to stop and calm down. He would definitely be taking a nap after Sungjin left him be. Sungjin didn't hide the hurt in his expression.</p><p>“Oh,” was all he said. He didn't have to say anything to know what he was thinking at that exact moment. “How long?”</p><p>    “How long what?”</p><p>    “How long has this been going on?” Sungjin said, voice cracking at the end.</p><p>“A month or so.”</p><p>Younghyun frowned when he saw Sungjn so teary eyed. He wasn't sobbing, but he knew that once Sungjin left, he would start crying. Younghyun still didn't deserve those tears. People needed to stop crying for him. </p><p>Sungjin started for the door, and then turned back around. “One more thing.”</p><p>    “Yeah?”</p><p>    “I just… Please, doesn’t have to be soon, but please, tell Jae.” Younghyun didn't have time to respond because Sungjin was already out the door. Younghyun felt like he deserved that nap now.  </p><p>
  
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</p><p> </p><p>“Let’s watch a movie together!” Jae exclaimed, bursting into his room without warning. On instinct, Younghyun closed all of his tabs and spun around in his chair, finding Jae in his sweatshirt. He swore, Jae refused to take that thing off these days. It made him feel even worse. He coughed into his arm and stuffed the petals into his pocket. He wouldn't forget this time. </p><p>“Sure, we can order some take out, too. Do we have popcorn?” Younghyun asked, already making the move to stand up from his chair. Jae smiled even brighter and Younghyun knew the oncoming struggle of the night was going to be not puking all over Jae. It was worth it though. He couldn't have them worrying about him for much longer. He would just have to act natural and everything would turn out fine. </p><p>“Great, because I've been <em> dying </em>to see that new Disney movie that came out last week!” Jae said, leading the way out to the living room. Younghyun hadn't registered how late it actually was. Why was Jae asking him to watch a movie at almost midnight? They were all exhausted after a weekend of performances. Now, they had endless practices all week to prepare for the next weekend of performances. If anything, they should all be sleeping.</p><p>Younghyun found it odd that Sungjin was sitting at the counter with Wonpil, talking quietly with the white noise of the fan in the background. Dowoon had fallen asleep on one of the chairs and had curled in on himself in such a cute way that Younghyun had to stop himself from taking a picture.</p><p>“Are you guys hungry? Brian and I are gonna get something to eat,” Jae said, walking up to the cabinet to search for the popcorn, presumably. Younghyun went and grabbed some beers from the fridge and a couple glasses, assuming Wonpil and Sungjin would join in.</p><p>“Not tonight. I'm about to head to bed anyway. I'm gonna take Dowoon to his room,” Sungjin said, smiling at them before walking off to sweep Dowoon away. Wonpil gave them a sheepish smile and accepted the glass Younghyun slid in his direction. </p><p>“What are we getting?” Wonpil asked, snatching the bottle away from Younghyun and filling his glass right to the top. The glass was so full that Wonpil wouldn't be able to pick it up without spilling it everywhere. Younghyun stole the bottle back and poured his and Jae’s drinks. The microwave went off way too loudly, and Younghyun really hoped that Dowoon couldn't hear it from his room. He looked so peaceful sleeping.</p><p>Jae poured the popcorn into a bowl. “Uh, I didn't really think that far ahead… What do you guys want?” Younghyun asked, pulling out his phone so they could put the order in.</p><p>“I want Chinese food,” Wonpil muttered. Jae just shrugged.</p><p>“That’s fine,” he said, moving the popcorn and his own drink over to the living room. Younghyun dialed in the number to the closest Chinese place and ordered enough for the three of them.</p><p>“Don't forget the fortune cookies!” Wonpil said in excitement, bouncing over the back of the couch and falling onto the couch cushions. He had too much energy this late. Younghyun moved to sit down, finding himself in the middle with Wonpil on his left and Jae on his right. </p><p>“If this movie came out last week, how are we watching it? Is it already out for sale or something?” Younghyun asked, narrowing his eyes at the screen while Jae clicked through ads and weird URLs that Younghyun wouldn't dare touch in fear of viruses. Jae stared for a second before looking back at the screen.</p><p>“A magician never tells his secrets,” Jae said, pressing play on the movie. Younghyun wasn't impressed with the shitty quality.</p><p>“Is this… illegal?” Younghyun asked, but no one answered him as the screen played the opening. He didn't dwell on it and took a sip of his drink. </p><p>Younghyun found himself watching Jae more than he found himself watching the movie. It just felt like every movie Disney released. The underdog becoming the hero or something along those lines. It wasn't bad by any means, but he just found Jae more interesting. The way his face lit up during the climax was so cute. Or how he laughed at the bad jokes with Wonpil.</p><p>    Sometimes, Jae would turn towards him, like he could sense him staring, and Younghyun would turn back to the screen, as if his eyes had never left the screen in the first place. And sometimes, Jae would continue to stare at him. Younghyun didn't let himself take it as anything else. Jae was just staring and it didn't mean anything.</p><p>He couldn't even let himself think for a second that Jae could ever return his feelings-</p><p>The doorbell rang and Wonpil was up faster than both of them, money in hand and ready to grab their food. Younghyun was thankful that he had a couple extra moments to admire Jae. Soon, they both had to get up, so Jae paused the movie and they moved to the counter where Wonpil had set the food. </p><p>“Ooh, this looks good! We haven't ordered from here in a while!” Jae said, staring into the bag on the counter. Wonpil and him pulled out each box, keeping one for themselves and giving the other to Younghyun. </p><p>“It’s because Dowoon always wants something else and you guys can't say no to him,” Younghyun said, opening his take out box. Both Jae and Wonpil blushed, and even though the only light was coming from the tv, Younghyun could still see it.</p><p>“But, he's adorable,” Wonpil said, accompanied by awkward laughter from Jae.</p><p>“He <em> is </em>the maknae… You’re no better, Bri,” Jae said. Younghyun took a deep breath, trying so, so hard not to let the flowers free from his throat. His throat had started sounding so scratchy whenever he talked. He felt bad that his singing was being affected by it. The stupid flowers were so painful. After over a month of this, you’d think he’d be used to it. </p><p>“Yeah, you’re right,” Younghyun managed to say. Neither of them seemed to catch how rough his voice sounded and he was thankful.</p><p>Younghyun was quiet while he ate, simply listening to Jae and Wonpil laugh and make jokes with each other. He was almost too caught up in looking at Jae that he hadn't noticed Wonpil cracking open one of the three fortune cookies on the counter.</p><p>“Yay! Long life is in store for you!” Wonpil said, holding up the slip of paper he pulled out of the cookie. He tossed the cookie in his mouth. Jae took one of the cookies and gave the other to Younghyun, and he would be lying if he said the way that Jae’s hand brushed him didn't affect him. </p><p>“Now is the time to go ahead and pursue that love interest!” Jae said, raising an eyebrow at the paper. He gave the cookie to Wonpil. “I don't have a love interest. This is bullshit.”</p><p>Wonpil laughed and ate the cookie that Jae generously offered up. They both looked to Younghyun for his fortune. </p><p>He shook his head. These fortunes were so stupid. But, nevertheless, he cracked the cookie open and snatched the paper up. He gave the cookie part to Wonpil too, since the big eyes he was staring him down with were too convincing.</p><p>Younghyun wanted to rip the paper. How fitting for him to have this one.</p><p>“Every flower blooms in its own sweet time,” he mumbled, tossing the paper onto the table. He tried as hard as he could to hide his annoyance, and luckily Jae and Wonpil didn't seem to notice. </p><p>“Oh! That's a nice one! Mine was lame. I don't even <em> have </em>a love interest. I'm too busy for a relationship,” Jae said, leaning back in his chair, head falling back to face the ceiling. Younghyun could feel the flowers rising and he knew he couldn't stop them this time. He excused himself to the bathroom, leaving Wonpil and Jae to discuss their fortunes. </p><p>Younghyun was leaned over the toilet for at least ten minutes before he felt fit enough to head back. Stupid heliotropes. He didn't need this right now. He wanted to lay next to Jae and Wonpil on the couch and watch a Disney movie. He wanted to watch them laugh together and smile together. He wanted to smile with them, laugh with them, and God, just feel <em> anything </em>with them. He felt useless here, leaning over the toilet with flowers falling out of his throat. </p><p>He left the bathroom finally and joined Wonpil and Jae on the couch, where they had already started the movie. Once Younghyun sat down, both of the boys leaned on his shoulder, using him as a pillow. Younghyun sighed, and for once, he didn't feel like shit. He felt okay now, but he knew if Jae said anything, he’d be heading right back to the bathroom to puke up some more heliotropes.</p><p>
  
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</p><p> </p><p>The next weekend comes, and Younghyun can't figure out if it’s Saturday or Sunday. He lost track of everything with all the practice and his constant trips to the bathroom that had increased significantly over the past week. Sungjin and Dowoon knew exactly what was happening too, sending him sad looks every time he excused himself. God, Jae and Wonpil probably thought he was having bladder problems or something. </p><p>Younghyun rushed off the stage and he hoped no one noticed. They were taking a quick intermission while the staff played some prerecorded video. Younghyun made it to the bathroom without being stopped by any of the staff, luckily, and was on his knees in seconds.</p><p>This time, though, it wasn't just flowers, that were easy to clean up on their own. Younghyun had tasted the metallic taste while on stage, doing his best to keep it down long enough. It had been hard to keep his voice steady and keep it down but he made it and now he couldn't hold it in any longer.</p><p>The blood turned the once clear water red, purple flowers splattered with blood accompanying the blood. God, Younghyun wanted to be done. How was he supposed to clean all of this up in time to get back on stage? He wanted to bang his head against the nearest wall-</p><p>“I'm sorry, hyung, I didn't know anyone was in here- oh my God, is that-” Younghyun whipped his head around, covering his blood stained lips in the process. God damnit. He had really gotten lazy when it came to hiding it from his bandmates. He pulled Wonpil into the bathroom and locked the door behind them. He leaned back against the door, sliding down until he hit the ground. Wonpil crouched beside him.</p><p>“Jae, right?” Wonpil said, not daring to look at him. Younghyun gasped behind his hand. Wonpil grabbed a paper towel and wet it. He started to wipe down Younghyun’s face.</p><p>“How’d you know?” he asked, feeling small with Wonpil taking care of him like this. It was okay once and a while, though. It was actually kind of nice. </p><p>“God, maybe it was the way you were staring at him instead of watching the movie. You’re so obvious, you know?” Younghyun couldn't believe how calm Wonpil was about it. Wonpil wasn't usually like this. Out of everyone, he expected Wonpil to make a huge deal out of it. He expected him to sob and yell at him to get the surgery or something. Not be so… understanding. “I didn't think it went this deep, though.”</p><p>    “Why are you so calm? Dowoon flipped out when he found out,” Younghyun said, narrowing his eyes at him. He glanced back at all the blood he had left. He would have to clean that up soon. They still had to go back on stage.</p><p>“Dowoon knows? Yeah, I would expect him to react like that,” Wonpil said, and Younghyun felt like he shouldn't pry, obviously moving into territory that he shouldn't be. He didn't want to think about it either, considering he could guess. “Does Sungjin know?”<br/>    “Yeah, he does,” Younghyun said, gasping for breath when he tasted the blood rising with the flowers in his throat again. Wonpil helped him move over to the toilet. </p><p>Younghyun didn't say anything when Wonpil started to cry. He didn't know what he could say. Wonpil spoke first instead.</p><p>“I know you don't want to tell him, but you <em> have </em> to. Even if he doesn't feel the same, you have to do <em> something </em>,” Wonpil started. “I won't let you die like this. I know it’s hard, but it’s not worth it. Trust me.” Wonpil paused for a second.</p><p>“And you know what, maybe in the end, everything will end up for the better, after you tell him. You never know,” Wonpil said. Younghyun didn't want to think that Wonpil was speaking from personal experience. He couldn't imagine Wonpil, sweet and happy Wonpil, in the same position he was in. Pining over someone he didn't think he could have or didn't think he deserved. He couldn't imagine Wonpil puking his guts out, flowers and blood everywhere. The sight was horrific, and maybe now he understood why his friends were crying for him. </p><p>Younghyun didn't let himself cry.</p><p>Younghyun decided to pry.</p><p>“When?” he asked. Wonpil froze, his hand freezing over the trash bin where he was disposing of the blood covered paper towel. </p><p>“Uh, like, two years ago, or something. I try to erase it from my memory, but I really can't. I'm okay now though,” Wonpil muttered. He obviously didn't want to talk about it, but Younghyun had to know. He was in the dark about one of his best friends suffering and he was never planning on telling.</p><p>“Did you get the surgery?” he asked, because how else had Wonpil survived? Wonpil never snuck off with some girl from what he’d ever seen. He didn't spend much time outside of music in the first place. He really only hung out with the other band members and his close family. </p><p>“Well, no. I told him,” Wonpil said. “We’re still together. I love him.”</p><p>Younghyun wanted to ask who, because he never saw Wonpil with another guy either.</p><p>“I'll tell you who another time. He doesn't want to tell anyone,” Wonpil said. The only thing Younghyun could think of was how Wonpil had been in a secret relationship for two years and none of them knew. He wondered what Jae, Sungjin, and Dowoon would say about this. He just imagined them getting overprotective about it and laughed at the thought. </p><p>“I'll tell him someday. Not now, though. I need more time,” Younghyun said. Wonpil frowned.</p><p>“How long have you been puking up blood too?” Wonpil asked.</p><p>“This is the first time.” Wonpil nodded and wiped away some of his tears. Younghyun knew he had to tell Jae, or he had to get the surgery. And he knew for a fact that he would never get the surgery.</p><p>All he knew was that he at least wanted to tell Jae before he died from this disease. Even if it hurt him even more.</p><p>
  
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</p><p> </p><p>    “You said you wanted to know who I was dating,” Wonpil said out of nowhere a week later. Younghyun would’ve forgotten about it if he wasn't thinking about Wonpil previously having Hanahaki disease. He didn't even know. How had Wonpil hidden that from them?</p><p>    “Yeah, you’re gonna tell me?” Younghyun asked, looking around, expecting his significant other to be with him. He assumed he would be, but the only other person in the room was Dowoon. “Dowoon knew?”</p><p>    “Yeah, he’s known for a <em> while </em>,” Wonpil said, making Dowoon laugh. Younghyun raised an eyebrow.</p><p>    “I ordered pizza. Let’s eat first,” Wonpil said, taking Younghyun’s wrist and dragging him out into the living room. “Jae and Sungjin are out shopping.”</p><p>    Younghyun nodded. He guessed that was why he was telling him now. Why did Dowoon get to know before him? Dowoon knew about him having Hanahaki disease too right? That’s why Dowoon was reacting so strongly when he found out Younghyun had it. Yeah. That made sense.</p><p>    They dug in and Younghyun zoned out, thinking about Jae and Sungjin instead. He wondered what they were buying. He pictured Jae trying on cute clothes, and coughed up some petals. He groaned, moving the thought away from his mind. He couldn't afford to start puking right now when his friend was about to tell him something important.</p><p>    “So, who is it? Do I get to meet him?” Younghyun asked, not trying to sound impatient, but he definitely was. Wonpil was just teasing him at this point.</p><p>    “Well, you already know him, hyung,” Wonpil said, motioning his head to the side towards Dowoon. Younghyun was still lost. </p><p>    Dowoon looked annoyed, but Wonpil was just amused. </p><p>    “Dowoonie! Tell Wonpil to stop teasing me!” Younghyun whined. Dowoon still looked annoyed. Had he done something? Did he forget his birthday or something? No, he hadn't. He already got him a present. Was he missing something really obvious then?</p><p>    Younghyun was too busy in thought to notice Dowoon moving over to grab onto Wonpil’s face. Younghyun watched as Dowoon pressed his lips to Wonpil’s, only lingering for a second before pulling back. His face was bright red when he pulled back, leaning back against the couch, staring up to avoid Younghyun’s wide eyes.</p><p>    “You get it now?” Wonpil asked, laughing as he stared at Dowoon. Younghyun nodded.</p><p>    “Oh, yeah. I get it,” Younghyun said. He wanted to say something else. Like, ‘congrats’ or ‘I'm glad you guys are happy’ but he didn't feel the need to say anything. </p><p>    Instead, he just watched their smiles as they stared at each other.</p><p>
  
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</p><p> </p><p>A month passed by, and then another. Younghyun’s days all blended together, losing track of time when the only thing he could ever feel was pain. It hurt even more to have to fake being okay around Jae, but it was worth it to see him smile. The others knew he was hurting, and they weren't subtle with showing their concern, but Younghyun would never take them up on their help. </p><p>He was fine. It didn't matter if he didn't have much time left. Honestly, he knew he could drop dead at any second. Most people died within the first couple months, but Younghyun had made it through three months. At least he was pretty sure he had. He had trouble keeping time when the only thing he could feel was pain and the only thing he could think about was Jae and when he would die.</p><p>Wonpil’s words from months ago rang in his head. “Everything will end up for the better.”</p><p>Yeah right. Jae would be upset with him. Whether it be for suffering through this for months without telling him or for being in love with him. </p><p>It was too hard to focus with Jae next to him.</p><p>“Wanna go get something to eat?” Jae asked, already throwing on the sweatshirt he stole from Younghyun all those months ago. He still looked as cute as ever in it. He nodded. Younghyun’s lips smiled, but his eyes stayed cold. He was sure everyone was used to how lifeless looked. He knew he looked as lifeless as he felt. “Great! I have something I want to tell you!” </p><p>Younghyun nodded, but raised an eyebrow at his words. Had Younghyun done something? </p><p>“Let me just go to the bathroom first.” Younghyun felt the itchiness in his throat. It felt worse than it ever had before. He threw up some of the largest flowers he had ever thrown up before. Lately, the flowers had been bigger and there had been less blood. At first, he thought it was getting worse, but that didn't make any sense. There was less blood, so he was getting better, right?</p><p>He was still madly and stupidly in love with Jae, so he wasn't sure why this was happening. The only other option he could see was Jae falling in love with him. He wouldn't let himself believe that though. How could Jae be in love with him? </p><p>He asked Wonpil, but Wonpil just told him the same thing. Jae was probably falling in love with him. Was it so bad to have hope? </p><p>Younghyun smiled, but then had to let more flowers come from his throat. There was still a lot of blood this time, and a <em> lot </em>of flowers. He had been in here for a while. He should go out and see Jae.</p><p>Had he stood up too fast? Everything was really blurry. He didn't remember what happened after that.</p><p>
  
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</p><p> </p><p>When he woke up, he heard sobbing. He didn't want to open his eyes, already recognizing the voice. Fuck, Jae knew. There was no way he didn't. </p><p>It took Younghyun a minute to calm down, but when he did, he let himself open his eyes. The room was dark and it was dark outside. How long had he passed out for?</p><p>Jae’s head shot up and Younghyun turned to the side, finding Jae laying beside him. Where was he?<br/>    Younghyun looked around, recognizing the room as his own. Sungjin was asleep at his desk chair, and Wonpil and Dowoon were cuddled up on the floor. </p><p>“Bri, oh my God, you have to get the surgery, please! Everyone said this has been going on for <em> months </em>! Why didn't you tell me?” Jae whisper shouted, quiet enough so he wouldn't wake anyone up. Younghyun huffed. This was what he had been expecting.</p><p>“I'm not getting the surgery. I think it’s getting better,” Younghyun said. Jae froze.</p><p>“You mean… she's starting to fall in love with you too? O-oh,” Jae said, voice dying out at the end. He perked back up again though. “That's great! Talk to her about it then! I can't watch you suffer like this anymore.”</p><p>    Younghyun didn't like how forced Jae’s words sounded. Maybe he did love him back?<br/>    No, impossible. Younghyun was just falling out of love. (No, he really wasn’t).</p><p>“Well, she- oh fuck it. <em> He </em>definitely can't love me. He’s so… perfect.” Younghyun smiled to himself. Why did his stomach hurt again? Hadn't he puked up enough flowers? His throat felt dry and clogged. God, now it made sense why he passed out.</p><p>Jae wouldn't look at him.</p><p>“Do I know him? It’s not Dowoon, is it? You spend a lot of time with him,” Jae said. Younghyun shook his head.</p><p>“Hm, it’s not Dowoon, but you know him. You know him really well.” Younghyun didn't want to say anymore. He couldn't bear it. It didn't matter if this basically confirmed that Jae loved him back. He needed more time to process it. His head was starting to hurt with all this new information. Something he spent months thinking was impossible was actually possible and he needed to process it. </p><p>He breathed in, and then out, and then in again, and out again. He needed water. Jae handed him a water bottle from the table beside them. Younghyun took a huge gulp of the water, and then another, before setting it back on the table. </p><p>“I do? Well, is it Wonpil or Sungjin then?” Younghyun shook his head. “Oh my god, is it…”</p><p>Jae spent the next couple minutes naming every guy that the two of them knew (except for himself, of course).</p><p>“I'll tell you soon.” Jae tilted his head in confusion. Younghyun decided he wanted to sleep more. Jae didn't seem to mind.</p><p>
  
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</p><p> </p><p>A week later, Younghyun found himself and Jae on the couch at 1am, staring at the tv with nothing playing. Wonpil was asleep on the chair, Sungjin was on the other couch, cuddled up with Dowoon.</p><p>Their movie had ended twenty minutes ago. Neither of them wanted to move.</p><p>“Hey, Jae. I think I'm gonna tell him my feelings, but I don't know how,” Younghyun started, turning so he was facing Jae. Jae did the same, bringing his legs up and onto the couch, crossing them.</p><p>“What do you mean? Just tell him you love him,” Jae said, doing his best to avoid eye contact.</p><p>“Yeah, but I want to get it right,” Younghyun said. “How would you confess to someone?”</p><p>    Jae laughed. “I'd tell them if I knew they loved me back, I guess. Take them out to dinner maybe? Then we would get dessert and I'd tell them then.”</p><p>    Younghyun nodded. It was late, but not late enough for them. “Are you hungry? We can sneak out and grab some of that Chinese food you and Wonpil are obsessed with.” </p><p>    The previous topic was forgotten in an instant and Jae was already in his favorite sweatshirt (at this point, it was Jae’s. Younghyun didn't think he was getting it back). Younghyun followed behind him, coughing up some petals. He didn't feel the need to cover them up anymore, now that everyone knew.</p><p>He really wished the flowers would go away completely. If Jae supposedly was in love with him too, shouldn't they be gone by now? He was still coughing up blood and flowers, not as often as he used to, but still pretty often.</p><p>Younghyun let Jae order for them, because he was busy trying to figure out how he was going to say this. He thought he was ready, but now he wasn't too sure. He looked up.</p><p>What if he just kissed him? Would Jae get mad? Because he really wanted to kiss him right now. His lips looked really tempting. </p><p>Younghyun couldn't do that. They ate their food in silence. Jae was obviously waiting for Younghyun to say something about the guy he was in love with, but Younghyun didn't say anything. </p><p>    They paid and left, starting the walk back home. </p><p>    “Let’s stop at the corner store and grab some snacks. Wonpil and Dowoon ate the rest of the popcorn,” Younghyun said. Jae agreed with a silent nod and they walked into the empty corner store. Jae grabbed a tub of ice cream, putting on the counter with a sheepish smile. Younghyun grinned, patting his back and pulling out his card to pay.</p><p>    “I'm paying next time! I can't let you spend all your money on me! You need to spend it on the guy you’re in love with!” Jae complained, holding the tub of ice cream close to his chest. Younghyun looked around. The streets were dead. It was almost 3am now. He didn't even realize how long they had spent out tonight. </p><p>    “I just did,” Younghyun said, his voice quiet behind the whistling winds. Jae stopped walked, turning his head to face him. It was too dark and Younghyun couldn't see his expression. He hoped it was positive but there was no way of telling. </p><p>    “What?” Jae asked.</p><p>    “I just did spend money on the guy I love,” Younghyun rephrased, smiling even though he knew Jae couldn't see it. Oh god, maybe this was a mistake. Was that too cheesy to say? Maybe he should have said it differently, but it just felt so right and natural at that exact moment. If he didn't say it then, then he would have lost his opportunity.</p><p>    Oh God, what if he lost Jae? What if Jae yelled at him and he wasn't actually in love with him? What if his disease had just been taking a break (he didn't think that was possible) and it was going to come back twice as bad? </p><p>    “Me? No, don't tell me <em> I </em> was the cause of-”</p><p>    “It’s not your fault. It’s my fault that I love you,” Younghyun said before Jae could start talking bad about himself. Jae stopped, and Younghyun could hear him taking a deep breath. He knew he was smiling. He could just feel it.</p><p>    “Yeah, okay… So, you love me?” Younghyun laughed.</p><p>    “Yes, I'm pretty sure that's what I just said. Do I need to say it again?” Younghyun asked. “I love you, Park Jaehyung.”</p><p>    He really hoped that this wasn't about to backfire on him. He thought it would when Jae didn't say anything back. What if he misread it, <em> again </em> ? Why was Jae so confusing and hard to read?<br/>    “I…” Jae started. “I don't know. I think I do too?”</p><p>    Jae’s unsureness caused overthinking, which turned into his throat feeling dry again. He coughed up some flowers. At least he wasn't throwing up. He might need to later. Jae didn't question the coughing, too lost in his own thoughts.</p><p>    “I just don't know. I always want to be around you and love spending time with you, but I don't know,” Jae said. “Like, I think this is love, but I’ve never been in love before. It hurt me when I thought you were in love with someone else, but know that I know it’s me, I just feel guilty.”</p><p>    Younghyun furrowed his eyebrows. “You feel guilty that I'm in love with you? I already said it’s not your fault-”</p><p>    “I know, it’s not my fault, but it still bothers me that you were suffering because you love me,” Jae said. He stopped for a second, looking down at the ground, and then back at Younghyun.</p><p>    “I think I love you, Bri, but I don't know yet. I want to try this out, though. Because I know I like you a <em> lot </em>.” Younghyun let out the biggest sigh of relief. He wasn't flat out rejected. Everything felt okay again. His throat was still scratchy and dry, and his chest ached, but it was all okay because he was with Jae right now. </p><p>    “Okay, we can do that. We can take things really slow,” Younghyun said, feeling breathless with how close Jae was. They weren't even touching and Younghyun wasn't going to touch him. He didn't want to push any boundaries.</p><p>    “We don't have to go <em> really </em>slow. I just… Can I just kiss you?” Jae said. Younghyun was confused. Jae was confusing him. First he was saying he might be in love with him, then he was saying he wanted to take things a little slower, and now he wanted to kiss? Younghyun didn't understand all these mixed signals. He had a headache.</p><p>    “But, you just said-”</p><p>    “I don't know. The only thing I <em> know </em>I want right now is that I want  to kiss you right now. Unless you don't want to.” Younghyun shook his head faster than he thought he could.</p><p>    “No, I want to!”</p><p>    “Then kiss me, idiot.” And Younghyun did. He kissed him and it was exhilarating. And even if his throat was still burning because those stupid heliotropes were still growing inside of him, he was okay. He was okay because he had Jae right here with him, along with Dowoon, Sungjin, and Wonpil. He didn't know what else would happen or where this would even lead. Maybe, in the end, Jae would realize he wasn't actually in love with him and that it was only feelings of friendship. And Younghyun would die. He would die, but at least he would die knowing that he tried and feeling satisfied with himself.</p><p>    Or, how he was sure both of them were hoping things turned out, Jae would fall in love with him, completely. And everything would be okay. Actually, it would be more than okay. It would be amazing. </p><p>    Jae pulled back first, breathless, his eyes wide. He nodded to himself, muttering a few nonsense words under his breath before he pulled Younghyun back in for more. He realized that they really shouldn't be doing this on the street, even if it was empty. They were even in a sort of closed off area, already so close to the dorms.</p><p>    This time, Younghyun pulled away. “Let’s go back. We don't want Sungjin to wake up and realize we snuck off.” </p><p>    Jae nodded and took Younghyun’s hand, seeing the outline of Jae’s serious expression as they walked by a street lamp. It was actually really cute. </p><p>    They were too late, because once they were back, Sungjin was waiting for them and was ready to berate them for sneaking off. Younghyun didn't pull his hand away fast enough, because Sungjin definitely saw it. He saw them holding hands and it wasn't like it was news that Younghyun was helplessly in love with Jae, but he didn't want to give anyone false hope about their relationship.</p><p>    He especially didn't want to give himself false hope about their relationship. He was okay with taking things slow if it was Jae. </p><p>    “It’s late. Where did you two even go?” Sungjin said, and then his eyes landed on the bags. “What flavor?”</p><p>    Jae pulled out the tub of ice cream, letting Sungjin see for himself. Where did the spoons come from? Before Younghyun knew it, Sungjin and Jae were eating ice cream straight out of the tub at the counter. Younghyun silently giggled and decided to move Wonpil and Dowoon to their respective rooms. </p><p>    He wondered why they never asked to share a room if they had been dating for so long. Then again, he was pretty sure Wonpil slept in Dowoon’s room every night anyway. He brought them both to Dowoon’s room.</p><p>    Sungjin and Jae were still enjoying their ice cream together, but only for a couple more minutes before Sungjin said he was calling it a night. He told them to shut the lights off when they were done and disappeared down the hallway. Younghyun turned to Jae.</p><p>    “Can I have one more kiss before we go to sleep?” he asked, and it was alright if he said no, but he just wanted to feel his lips against his one more time. Jae laughed, pecking him far too quickly for Younghyun’s liking, but he couldn't complain. Jae needed time to understand his feelings. This was okay. He was okay. They were okay.</p><p>    “Goodnight, Bri! We have to practice extra hard tomorrow, okay?” Jae cheered, and Younghyun assumed this new energy came from the ice cream. It was too late to be so cheery.</p><p>    “Goodnight, Jae,” Younghyun whispers, brushing Jae’s hair out of his face. Jae smiled at him before he retreated into his own room for the night. They would only be able to sleep for a few hours until they had to get back up and practice, but Younghyun knew he would be able to sleep peacefully tonight. </p><p>    He didn't dream of anything. Not of his new progress with Jae and certainly not of his Hanahaki disease that had been haunting his dreams for months prior. Instead, he enjoyed his first dreamless slumber in months. And once he woke up to Sungjin yelling at him for being late, he felt better. It felt like everything was going back to normal.</p><p>    He coughed. Maybe not completely. Stupid heliotropes.<br/>    Younghyun laid back down and stared at the ceiling. He didn't want to practice right now. Normally, he would, but he was too tired. He needed more time to relax and think. </p><p>    <em> “We have to practice extra hard tomorrow, okay?” </em>He smiled at the thought of Jae’s voice.</p><p>    Younghyun got out of bed knowing he was going to be okay. They were all going to be okay.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i kinda wanna write a prequel about dopil but i already have a cute mini series im brainstorming for them. maybe i should figure out how to write dopil first. or maybe i should figure out how to write endings. i swear that's the hardest part of writing. i can start things but never end them ughhh</p></blockquote></div></div>
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